Hallo!

Ich bin eigentlich "mandatory_amok", nach dem Serverabsturz im September 2004 waren alle meine Daten verloren, weil ich hier noch relativ neu war. Also habe ich mich nun nochmal registriert, und diesesmal, als "jugulator". So, ich poste hier also ein paar meiner Gedichte. Die Teile können echt triggern, also passt bitte auf!!! Sie sind hauptsächlich auf Englisch, und ich versuche so einen Teil meiner Emotionen zu verarbeiten. Viel Vergnügen,
jugulator

PAINKILLER

I am your painkiller
I am your bloodspiller
I will taste your blood
No one loves me not

Razorblade is my name
People say it's a shame
To cut your arms but I do
Cuz I will always love you

Blood will heal all pain
Watch it fall like rain
And cut once more to feel
I am here to heal

I am your painkiller
I am your bloodspiller
I'm your only friend
I know for what you bent

Use me I will heal your soul
I will make you feel whole
I will fix the broken heart
Connect each different part

If you feel all alone
And all your friends are gone
I will wait for you
I know what you will do

I am your painkiller
I am your bloodspiller
Your blood sticks on me
It will always be

Cuz I am your painkiller
Cuz I am your bloodspiller
Cuz I've tasted your blood
Cuz no one loves me not

YOUR EYES

Your eyes in mine
You're all I have
Fulfill my time
Make me whole again

Your eyes are closed
Your life is over
Dead, my host
Where to go

I stand in the rain
Waiting for god
My thought become so lame
And no wonder ever happens

Only I start crying
People stare at me
Only you were dying
No one cares

'Life goes on' but how
My life gets lost
I don't want it, not now
But when

I can't forget these eyes
Still looking at me
Am I the only one who cries
The only one

I stare into space
My wounds stay opened
Alone at this place
Want you back

Never ever come back to me
Never ever be whole again
I am lost in insanity
And all has gone away

GET FRANTIC

But I don't want your help
I'm fine, strong - don't need you
I'll be all alone and than
I cut myself - don't ask for 'who?'

Past makes me aggressively
Memories hunt me down
Now I live this brutality
I don't want a rage

But I get frantic in my life
Become a demon, need the knife
Now I get frantic before your eyes
Hellish demon not very nice

You see my arm and ask me 'why?'
My wounds are new, last night
You say I don't even try
But pain will never end this way

You want me to swear
I can't, I get in a rage
You're not very fair
And I'll destroy it all

But I get frantic in my life
Become a demon, need the knife
No I get frantic before your eyes
Hellish demon not very nice

And I run to the toilet crying
YEAH! Razorblade in my bag
Believe me, I was never lying
I cut me arm bleeding

Blood drops on the floor
I am fine, out of rage
Bloody arm, and I hate me for
Why am I so weak

But I get frantic in my life
Become a demon, need the knife
No I get frantic before your eyes
Hellish demon not very nice

But I get frantic in my life
Become a demon, need the knife
No I get frantic before your eyes
Hellish demon not very nice

FROM MY SECOND PERSONALITY

You've raped me all my fucking life
Raped me and I get the knife
To kill my pain, caused by you
Instead I should kill you too

BROTHER!!!
Every time you were wild
Raped you sister, little child
Killed me piece by piece thru years
Fed my hate and all my fears

I don't want to see your face
Fucking sperm such a disgrace
I don't want to taste your dick
Lovely brother, makes me sick

Raping brother, I am killing
I will watch your blood slow spilling
I'll cut your dick to stripes
Sort your skin in different types

BROTHER!!! DIE!!!

"You have raped you sister little boy
Destroyed her life, used her like a toy
I would be too good to you
Ask your sister what she would do…"

BROTHR!!!


Sorry for this one! It's just my reaction to the world and all the persons who have ever been raped in their lives. When I read their posts, I become angry, I wanna punish the ones who did it to them!

ATROCITY

I.
Scream and cry
Bleed and die
Pain and agony
A t r o c i t y

Try to live
To forgive
Loving me
A t r o c i t y

Bridge
Always near
Never here
The only one
I'm still gone

Chorus
A t r o c i t y
Cries for me
Full of pain
Into drain
Atrocity!

II.
Life's a lie
Till you die
Hating me
A t r o c i t y

Parents lost
Bitter cost
Blasphemy
A t r o c i t y

Bridge
The way to live
Start to forgive
Kill the hate
It's not your fate

Chorus
A t r o c i t y
Cries for me
Full of pain
Into drain
Atrocity!

III.
Still goes on
Be not won
Victory
A t r o c i t y

Fight and win
Taste the sin
Pornography
A t r o c i c y

Bridge
Still the pain
Is in your vain
Kissing death
Taste his breath

Chorus
A t r o c i t y
Cries for me
Full of pain
Into drain
Atrocity!

End
World is lost
Earth's a host
Live in insanity
A t r o c i t y!!!

INCAPACITATION

I'm controlled by them
No choices are for me

I'm tied up on a bed
Bound with massive strings
Filled up with drugs
Where the end begins

Doctors round me, strange words
Discussion bout my comin' end
Paranoia grows tall
Needn't ask, needn't pretend

Never thought of asking me
Family allows everything
Cuz I'm addicted to pain
Cuz I need to bleed

Psychiatry is killing me
Incapacitation takes will to live
I have no way out
Nothing's mine, nothing to give

Caught bout years in a dark cellar
Locked in behind the iron-door
Treated like a monster
I don't know what to breath for

Never thought of asking me
Family allows everything
Cuz I'm addicted to pain
Cuz I need to bleed

They want me to die
Family pays each bullet for me
I still want to live, far away
I was healthy, no insanity

Thank you mum and thank you dad
I love you and all family
I know I'm sad but I won't regret
I know I'm sick, thank you all

DIE!!!

NAMELESS

Knife, so cute, so lovely
Cut, oh cut my skin, cut
I'll bleed, in pain, agony
I run before I get shot

Run away, hide from past
Escape from below
I'm searching for truth
But how could I know

That this is not the right way
That you don't accept my pain
That this is not the answer for me
Only a bloody stain

I cut my arm in little pieces
Bleed an scream and cry, and…
Fight for life but this is death
No - I won't pretend

No - I don't want to die anymore…


But how could I know

That this is not the right way
That you don't accept my pain
That this is not the answer for me
Only a bloody stain

Only a stain, in this lovely family
Only, it's just me
Just a little boy
Bloody arms
Soul
Dead.

TEARS

Tears that run on my face
Tears that show disgrace
Tears that make you cry
Tears for you to die

No - father told me not to cry
I'll be a good son and why
Should I cry it's too weak
Reserved for the female league

I'll be a good son, father just for you
I cut my arm to stop my tears
But hate is all that now appears

I want to start but I can't cry
I'm doing all but I just try
There are no tears left in me
Just blood in my cute identity

Tears that are in my dreams
Tears that aren't what they seemed
Tears that are captured inside
Tears for that I needn't hide

I'll be a good son, father just for you
I cut my arm to stop my tears
But hate is all that now appears

Hate for you, taken my tears
Hate for you, left me in fears
Hate for you, made me cry
Hate for you, wanted to die

DISASTER IN OUR MINDS

Emotions in my heart
Emotions turn apart
Emotions that kill me
Emotions shouldn't be

Emotional disaster is what you will feel
Emotional disaster no one who can heal

Feelings ripping wounds
F E E L I N G S !
Feelings just for you
Feelings make me act like I do

Felt disaster reigns in you
Felt disaster I have it too

Anger I wanna kill
Anger your blood to spill
Anger come and die me friend
Anger steers the gun in my hand

Angry disaster controls your mind
Angry disaster makes you still blind

No emotion, no feeling, no anger
No emotion, no feeling, no anger
No emotion, no feeling, no anger
No emotion, no feeling, no anger

NO!!! EMOTION!!! N O ! ! !

Suicide

Turn your face away
I can't speak a word
From the darkest day
I was unforgettable hurt

Pain is captured in my soul
My only friend, eternal grief
The rest's a yawning hole
Stolen, but who's the thief

Emptiness fights the pain
Love is gone, far away
Left a golden chain
Feeding my slow decay

I won't cry, or bleed at once
I will die… I will die… I will die, die, die

Look in my face
I can't speak a word
Not in case
I was unforgettable hurt

Now I have to be open
But I'm closed up

Hate and anger are inside
Love is digged in to deep
In me is the darkest night
Take help, to cheap

I won't cry, or bleed at once
I will die… I will die… I will die, die, die

Now I have to be open
But I'm closed up
And the key's lost
Unable to be open a time…

Unable to live… to die…
To laugh… to cry…
To love… to hate…
I think it is my fate

I won't cry, or bleed at once
I will die… I will die… I will die, die, die

Now I have to be open
But I'm closed up

Emotional winter
The key is lost
I will die
Suicide, don't ask why

Suicide, the only way
Suicide, against decay
Suicide, for my mind
Suicide, just to be kind

I'm done with the world…

Carry me on your bloody hands, and let me fall, deep inside the hole I was climbed out… No! I am still there…
Let me feel the pain… Slow decay… Bloody legs… Bloody arms… Bloody soul… empty… Help me! HELP ME!!!
Don't let me die… I am not the one you think… another wound in your life, forgive me… Kill me! KILL ME!!!

I'm done with the world …


I won't cry, or bleed at once
I will die… I will die… I will die, die, die

Now I have to be open
But I'm closed up

Let me die… please…
Let me cry… I must…
Leave me alone…
Alone…

I'll stop this way of living, I will… I… NO!!!

I won't die!!!
I W O N T D I E ! ! !

Emptiness is all in me… Filling the hole…
Emptiness against Suicide…
Suicide… Emotional winter…
I'm still gone far away!



REST IN PEACE!!!

PAYBACK TIME

It's my time, payback time
My turn, for you to learn
My revenge, killing you
Realizing dreams, wanna do

It's my time, payback time
My task, don't you ask
Vengeance, my true chance
My time, bloody hands

It's my time - my crime
My kill, emptiness to fill
My hate, your fate
My fun, start to run

Can't escape, no way out
C'mon and try, don't cry
Real man will fight
You have just to die

My time, payback time
My gun, all is done
You're dead 'n' I laugh
Haven't got enough

It's my time - my crime
My kill, emptiness to fill
My hate, your fate
My fun, start to run

VENGEANCE

VENGEANCE - You gonna die
VENGEANCE - Enjoy your cry
VENGEANCE - Watch you bleed
VENGEANCE - Feel the heat
Of you fucking blood

I don't need a reason to hate you
For all the bullshit you will do
I don't even need a weapon to kill
Got my hands for your blood to spill

You're just a little motherfucker
One more parasitic sucker
Want my blood to become bigger
One day you'll be my gravedigger

VENGEANCE - You gonna die
VENGEANCE - Enjoy your cry
VENGEANCE - Watch you bleed
VENGEANCE - Feel the heat
Of you fucking blood

I don't need justice to be fair
Burn you down start at your hair
Bullets raining in your chest
Drilling deep in your bone crest

Shoot your kneecap no escape
Record your screaming horror tape
Rip out your empty brain
Feel it all, all the pain

VENGEANCE - You gonna die
VENGEANCE - Enjoy your cry
VENGEANCE - Watch you bleed
VENGEANCE - Feel the heat
Of you fucking blood

I don't need a fucking reason to hate
All my dues are still fucking paid
I am free, prisons over crime has gone
All the bullshit I am done

It's raining on the bottom fucking hard
Running for your life on the graveyard
Drowning in your own blood right now
It's gonna be my fucking horror-show

VENGEANCE - You gonna die
VENGEANCE - Enjoy your cry
VENGEANCE - Watch you bleed
VENGEANCE - Feel the heat
Of you fucking blood

All is over tears have gone
Pain's away, my work is done
You're in hell, I just laugh
Being happy, it's enough

YES, WE ARE SICK

We are stupid to the bone
We hurt ourselves for fun
We have such a lovely home
And don't know what problems are

Our lives are enjoyable
Our parents love us
Our souls - un-destroyable
We always stand our ground

We are arrogant and spoilt
Boredom cuts your arms
Our brains are little and boiled
We are just fucking shit

You are brilliant and smart
You know real trouble
Your life was so hard
And you are a real fighter

You know the truth
You are healthy and well
You'll never ever loose
And if, you will be strong, and fight on

So, in the end…

Give me one reason, why I shouldn't hate you
Just one fucking reason
One possibility so that I can learn to do
Or die before my fucking eyes!

Cuz you know nothing at all
You saying shit, shit, and shit
Your brain isn't very tall
And your mind is like a small street between two high walls…

Fucking die!

YOUR BEAUTIFUL LIFE

All is lost, all has gone
No sense in it, no reasons for
I should fight, a war that's won
Tell me, why am I still here

Nothing matters, nothing is
I can't forget, what makes me sad
All will die, I won't miss
Nothing matters, I don't care

They want me to stand up
Want me to fight for self-esteem
To love myself, I love me not
No, instead I destroy myself

I won't here your 'Beautiful life'
Give me one thing, and I'll be happy
Don't want your help, want my knife
My last way out of chaos

I'm captured in this world
Captured in this society
Captured in this life
Captured in myself

I wanna die

HEAR THE DEATH-MARCH-BELL

Are you blind or won't you see
There's a war - no harmony
I don't have a cat - my arms
Pussy-cat is not what harms

My arms cut - my scars from me
Escaping from the psychiatry
I am sick - I need you now
Your help and not your show

I've send you this little pic
Of the girl she was so chick
Her arms - I know you've seen
She was raped and not a fucking dream-… …girl

I said I wanna die
And you don't even try
To save my soul from hell
Hear to death-march-bell

You know I was depressive every day
I had my fucking price to pay
For all I've done in my dark past
Ride on life's road is so fast

My pain was in my grey eyes
Hands were cold - winter's rise
My words were sad and theirs not
In the army of dumbness just a little dot

Why can't you here me

I said I wanna die
And you don't even try
To save my soul from hell
Hear to death-march-bell

Too late, too far away, too dead
I just hope you won't regret
All the things you’ve never done
Only dark days will come

I said I wanna die
And you don't even try
To save my soul from hell
Hear to death-march-bell

I said I wanna die
And you don't even try
To save my soul from hell
Hear to death-march-bell

CONFUSE SCHIZOPHRENIA

I can not life I can not die
Don't understand, only lie
Pretend I'm happy but am I sad
Confused emotions, makes me mad

No way back the door is locked
At the frontline waits my killing knock
Can not move or ever turn
All still-standing, too late to learn

How should I feel, should I care
Should I accept, or cry 'it's unfair'
Please for help or fight alone
No answers, no chance to run

So I face me future, breaking me
I stand my ground, it should be
And if I die, it was my fate
Cuz till I'm born, it's too late

I'll fight this fight in my own
All my soldiers are still gone
Lonely fighter at the war
Justice-man without a law

War is hard to fight or win
Can't kill my enemy, it's sin
Just trying to hide and creep
Inside my soul, so fucking deep

War won't end, I stay inside
A warm place for me to hide
One day peace will be again
What will I do than

I destroy the keys to open my mind
And act as if I am just blind
My world is all I wanna see
The only place where I will be

HOMAGE TO LONELINESS

Loneliness takes all away
Loneliness will always stay
Loneliness filling me
Loneliness a way to be

My best friend has left me now
And I'm alone again, the same
Like always, here, on earth, I know
But I'm becoming numb and lame

Loneliness from my childhood
The only thing, that's true, can't die
So, I reached all, I could reach
Something real, will satisfy

Loneliness takes all away
Loneliness will always stay
Loneliness filling me
Loneliness a way to be

New friends will come and go away
But this will stay thru all my tears
Cause this is something filling me
In darkest days, it appears

My friends turn, towards my face
Laughing out, they're hating shit
But I don't care bout things they say
They hate me cuz I don't fit

Killing my hate now forever
Spilling out the darkness from inside
Purify my deepest soul
So I don't have to hide

Loneliness takes all away
Loneliness will always stay
Loneliness filling me
Loneliness a way to be

KILLING YOUR FAMILY

Coming home, late at night
Bloody way, looks like a fight
Open the door, everyone's dead
Seeing your wife, without her head

Killing your family
Justice will never be
Vengeance me and you
Kill our loved ones too

At the stairs your sister lays
High price that she pays
Pregnant slut, that poor child
Now it's dead, you get wild

Upstairs blood drops on your feet
Wish em away you don't need
Hanged son, just six years
Crying now, salty tears

Killing your family
Justice will never be
Vengeance me and you
Kill our loved ones too

And your daughter, in her room
Taken away by the hands of doom
Full of nails, swimming in blood
You should cry but you can not

Killing your family
Justice will never be
Vengeance me and you
Kill our loved ones too

My family was killed by you
Now you feel the pain too
Ask me and I'll tell you all
Out of your world, you gonna fall

Killing your family
Justice will never be
Vengeance me and you
Kill our loved ones too

TELL ME HOW

They've said I don't have any chance
They've said I could just die
You've meant they don't know me
Not my cut arms, my pain or my daily cry

You've meant I should ignore them
I should live, nothing more than being alive
But tell me, how could I do so
I'm the only bee in this hive

Just tell me how
I sit here, in my desolate room and cry
Life is passing thru
The only exit, I shouldn't take, is to die

Now I can remember your sweat voice
All the things you've said to me
All the hope I've became from you
All the word meanings and your 'just be'

Fucking tell me how
I sit here, in my desolate room and cry
Life is passing thru
The only exit, I shouldn't take, is to die

And I live on, I'm trying to do so
Trying all you've said before
But I don't believe I can survive
I've trusted in you, but not anymore

I know your words were nice and hopeful
Hole and rancid piece of shit
I can't follow your plan
Cuz I don' fit, I don't fit…

Fucking tell me how
I sit here, in my desolate room and cry
Life is passing thru
The only exit, I shouldn't take, is to die

You wanted to fix my broken soul
Wanted to repair the destroyed heart
But after all, you were not good enough
Still I'm broken, still a missing part

All turns into dust
And I don't trust
Your word and eyes
My whole existence... ...disguise