Ritual

My little ritual
It has to be done
Again
It has been decided
It has to be done
A way of reassurance
Of my existence
It affects my whole body
Once decided, that it had to be done
I get it out
From its secret hiding place
Prepare the towel for later
My hands go sweaty
I nearly drop the blade
My mouth goes dry
And I am overcome
With fear
I cannot do it
I am afraid
Afraid of the pain
It takes a while
A while, to overcome my fear
I hold the blade
Bring it closer to my arm
Until I can feel it
The cold metal on my skin
With a little bit of pressure
Slowly, I drag it along
Along my arm
Leaving a red, thickening line
I feel no pain
I feel everything but pain
Freedom
Alive
Even remorse
But not for this
For everything else
That I have ever done
My life
The way I have lived it
And also hope
For change
That this
After this
I will be different
From before
This is what I hold onto
To not do it again
Sometimes it works
Sometimes not
I need more than one attempt
To stop myself
Afterwards
When I clean up
Wipe away
The secrets that I bare
For no one to see
I feel ashamed
So full of shame
That this is what I do
THIS is what I do
Just to live
And I hate myself
Even more
For this
And the ritual will be restarted
A never ending
Downward spiral